6 Months

Today is officially 6 months of sobriety for me.  This is the longest I have been sober in my adult life and I feel really good.  I wish I had something really profound to say but I don’t.  I just feel good!

Here are some random thoughts as I reach this milestone …

—  Turns out, no one really cares if I am drinking or not.  I don’t need to make a big deal of it.  Most of the time, I just pass.  No one notices.  If they do notice, I just say alcohol was making me feel sick and I’m taking a break.  Non-event.  Anyone who likes me for me doesn’t care if I drink or not.  Except for those that knew how much it was hurting me – they do notice and care a lot, they are happy for me!

—  Social situations were hard at first, but they are getting much easier.  I think it was hard because I was so used to having that buzzy buffer between me and others.  Now if I am feeling anxious, self conscious or bored, I can’t escape those feelings. I have to face those feelings.  Sometimes that is uncomfortable, most of the time it is not.

—  I realize how selfish I have been in some relationships.  I wasn’t really connecting.  I was there but I wasn’t there.  My connections are feeling more authentic now.  I’m more present in conversations.  I’m not showing up at events where I know I will bored with the company without alcohol.  In retrospect, in many cases I was there for the alcohol, not for the people.  Now I spend my time with people that I really enjoy, regardless of whether alcohol is involved..

—  I still have a running slide show of embarrassing images from my drinking past.  Things pop into my head and I feel such shame and remorse.  I know just about anything I really regret had something to do with alcohol.  When these things loom too large for me, I just hope other people were drunk enough that they didn’t notice or don’t remember.  🙂

—  I realize what a huge factor my upbringing was in my drinking. I come from a heavy drinking family and a heavy drinking state. I thought it was normal to drink a lot, every night. Turns out it is not normal or healthy, but it took me a long time to reverse that social conditioning.  I thought I was being so cool in college when I could “drink like one of the guys” (to be fair, I got a lot of positive feedback for that …)  I thought drinking a lot and being a party girl was being edgy and fun, one of the cool kids.

Turns out, not everyone thinks that is so cool.  I recently heard some acquaintances talking about one of my party girl friends. She was pretty drunk at a formal event and was joking about the cheap booze she sneaked into the party in a flask.  They were laughing, saying “Oh, she’s your friend?  I don’t know if you want to own that one!  She acted like she was in high school!”  Hmmm … I wonder how many times I have been described that way.

—  I am so happy I am not being drunk in front of my kids anymore.  I was setting a terrible example.  I was giving them the same damaged social conditioning I had in my upbringing.  Now I can lead by example.  I’m still not a perfect parent.  But I am much, much better.

—  We got a puppy!  Our last dog died three years ago and I couldn’t imagine going through the puppy stage again.  I couldn’t imagine adding any more responsibility to my life.  Now that life isn’t feeling so unmanageable, I finally said yes to a puppy. We are all so excited to have a new member of our family.  I know there is direct correlation to my quitting drinking.

— Life is not perfect and I am not perfect.  I still have good days and bad days.  I still have insecurities, ask life’s big questions, procrastinate, drink too much coffee, eat too much chocolate – the list goes on and on.  In other words, I am human.  I realize now that whatever feelings I have will pass.  Drowning myself in alcohol didn’t make life better.  It only gave me regret and a nasty hangover.


3 thoughts on “6 Months

  1. I totally identify with that running slideshow of embarrassment you speak of. Sometimes I actually see it as a little Youtube video and pretend to hit “skip ad” so that it goes away. I’m not sure if this is healthy though. Probably isn’t…

    Way to go on those 6 months! I hit 3 months yesterday so we’re sort of in-sync in a way. Congratulations! I can’t wait to be where you are! You inspire me :).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I absolutely love your synopsis! It’s so honest and real! I lost a friend over drinking because I sent one of my many “honest” emails under the influence, so I totally relate to the “embarrassing slideshow!”

    Been reading the Easy Way to Stop Drinking and it’s so interesting that you said the reason you went to some events was for the alcohol and not the people. That’s exactly what I have done in the past (recent past…). Would not otherwise have gone, because they weren’t even people I liked very much or associated with on a regular basis. I am trying to work on the “why” I drink (drank) and the fact that it doesn’t make anything better really, it just numbs it all and makes it insignificant.

    I’m on Night #5 (nights are when I get cravings, so I am counting them and not days..never drank during the days), and although I am still missing my red wine at the moment, I have already lost a few lbs. I guess I can chock it up to no hangover days where I eat whatever makes me feel better and no drinking empty calories. Still having headaches in the morning and not sleeping well at night, but I know it will pass.

    Thanks so much for your blog. Very motivational!

    Liked by 1 person

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