I can’t believe this, but I didn’t realize that I was at exactly 7 months of sobriety until I started typing. I guess that is a good thing, I’m not counting so much anymore. I’m just living life.
But it is not easy. Its pretty boring most of the time. Full time sobriety gives me way too much time to think, be bored, be annoyed, feel trapped, feel sad, feel pointless. I’m not very good at processing all of these emotions yet. I want to run away and hide sometimes but I can’t. I’m a wife and mother. I have responsibilities. I used to have alcohol to escape without actually leaving. Now what?
I am on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster lately. Maybe that’s normal? I am envious of people out here in the sober blogging world that sound so content. Sometimes I feel that way, but a lot of the time I feel restless and irritable. Shouldn’t I feel great after 7 months of sobriety?
I just got home from a party at my sister-in-law and brother-in-law’s house. They are big partiers, and in the past we have always had lots of fun together. I was quiet and awkward, hiding away from meeting new people, avoiding small talk, counting the minutes till we could leave. Alcohol always made situations like that easier. I hate that I can’t just have a few glasses of wine to make a party more fun. It sucks.
I honestly don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a shell of my old self. I feel less sparkly, less vibrant, less fun. Now I am just killing time, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, feeling like life is one long repetitive, boring, pointless chore. At least when I had wine, I had something fun to look forward to every night. It just sucks that the aftermath was always so painful for me.
Wahhhh ….. I know this feeling will pass. I know I will feel better soon and will be happy I don’t have a hangover. But right now, I am not in a good place at all.