I’m a 40-something, happily married, ex-professional, now at-home mother of two young children.  I started drinking in high school and never stopped.  College was one big party, then my high tech job had me on the road for years, working and playing hard, keeping up with the guys. Drinking was stress relief, social life, insomnia remedy, liquid courage, etc.

When I decided to leave my career to stay at home with my kids, drinking became my answer to the monotony of the mommy job, the repetitive hamster wheel tasks like laundry, diapers, bottles, dinner (I have to cook again!?!), bedtime stories, etc.  I would count the minutes till 5pm when I could open that bottle of wine to keep myself going till bedtime and make it all just a little bit more fun.

Fast forward to now, and I have had too many blackouts, embarrassing moments and horrible hangovers to count.  This is not new, once I start drinking I never want to stop.  I cringe at things that have happened over the years, all the way back to high school.  It is only in the past many years that I have admitted that this is a real problem for me.  I have tried quitting many times, only to convince myself I am not that bad and start again.

But I am that bad.  I am unable to control my drinking once I start.  I am sick of feeling horrible, worrying what I have said or done, disappointing my unbelievably loving, patient, wonderful husband.  I am sick of wasting time on hangovers and not living a full life, making excuses and not facing the real problem.

It is finally time to quit.  This is really hard.  Thinking forward to social situations, vacations, just about everything in life that seems to be associated with drinking, makes me want to cry.  But I can’t go on like this.  I’m afraid I am slowing killing myself.  As my kids get old enough to notice, I’m worried about the example I am setting.  I want to be healthy for myself, my husband and my children.  I am writing this blog help keep me accountable.


4 thoughts on “About

  1. I discovered your blog recently and can’t tell you how much of myself I see in your posts. I feel you at every step as I am on the same journey, and I admire your wit, resolve, and self-awareness. I too am a former hard-grinding professional who is now a stay-at-home mom to an 8 year old. Life of the party, fueled by Chardonnay. I never felt like I fit the “alcoholic” definition…I was happily sober when pregnant, and after that deluded myself into believing I had the discipline to “rein it in” when needed. After all, I’m “the fun one!” but my husband knows otherwise and has been embarrassed by my behavior too many times to count (or for me to remember). And my child has twice asked me, in a scared and frustrated tone, “Mom, why are you different at night?” GAH!! Waking up restless at 3am, and then falling asleep at 5am only to wake up at 6 and begin my day with a foggy hangover had become normal to me. After living as the picture of health, only to experience a terrifying health scare that involved major (MAJOR!!!) surgery for a condition that would most likely have been fatal and could be related (according to my own secretive research) to my 1-1/2 bottle a night wine habit, my recovery orders include no alcohol – I thought that would be for a month and I followed that religiously…for 30 days. Then took it upon myself to have “sips” here and there because I was recovering so well. “I’m so strong!” “I’m doing great!” Soon I was back to my usual habits, and now I feel similar symptoms coming back. I’m terrified. I went cold turkey 3 days ago. Your posts help me so much. Keep up the fight. I can tell you are smart, funny, loving, driven and amazing. So can your friends who now know you aren’t drinking and aside from a moment of being impressed with your discipline, don’t see you any differently and carry on as though you just said you are giving up carbs. You are helping me more than you know. Please keep writing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh my gosh, I am so so sorry I didn’t see this comment until now. We sound like we are living parallel lives! If you lived in my neighborhood, I am sure we would have been drinking buddies, and would now be sober buddies. 🙂 Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. I am going to search right now to see if you have a blog out there …. really hoping you are doing well now!!

      Liked by 1 person

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