I’m a 40-something, happily married, ex-professional, now at-home mother of two young children. I started drinking in high school and never stopped. College was one big party, then my high tech job had me on the road for years, working and playing hard, keeping up with the guys. Drinking was stress relief, social life, insomnia remedy, liquid courage, etc.
When I decided to leave my career to stay at home with my kids, drinking became my answer to the monotony of the mommy job, the repetitive hamster wheel tasks like laundry, diapers, bottles, dinner (I have to cook again!?!), bedtime stories, etc. I would count the minutes till 5pm when I could open that bottle of wine to keep myself going till bedtime and make it all just a little bit more fun.
Fast forward to now, and I have had too many blackouts, embarrassing moments and horrible hangovers to count. This is not new, once I start drinking I never want to stop. I cringe at things that have happened over the years, all the way back to high school. It is only in the past many years that I have admitted that this is a real problem for me. I have tried quitting many times, only to convince myself I am not that bad and start again.
But I am that bad. I am unable to control my drinking once I start. I am sick of feeling horrible, worrying what I have said or done, disappointing my unbelievably loving, patient, wonderful husband. I am sick of wasting time on hangovers and not living a full life, making excuses and not facing the real problem.
It is finally time to quit. This is really hard. Thinking forward to social situations, vacations, just about everything in life that seems to be associated with drinking, makes me want to cry. But I can’t go on like this. I’m afraid I am slowing killing myself. As my kids get old enough to notice, I’m worried about the example I am setting. I want to be healthy for myself, my husband and my children. I am writing this blog help keep me accountable.